You probably never saw Ely Athletic FC play football. I can say this with confidence for three reasons:
1 - They only ever played 22 matches in their entire history as a club.
2 - Those matches were played in the 8th tier of Welsh football.
3 - I attended two of their matches, and still didn’t see them play football.
From September 2021 to January 2023, there was a group of friends in Cardiff with a dream. The dream of making their own football club.
The dream would become a nightmare.
I learned of their existence after the first match they played, in which they lost 32-0 to The Cardiff Sueno FC. Without jumping too far ahead, 32-0 would only be the 6th worst result in their brief but memorable history .
Seeing such a scoreline made me curious - were Cardiff Sueno really good, or Ely Athletic really bad? I decided to find out.
Ely Athletic’s next game was a week later, where they hosted Llanishen Wanderers FC. Naturally, I was in attendance, with the total crowd being 2 and the other person that was there being my dad.
Ely Athletic were not “really bad”. They were so, so, much worse than that.
If aliens had landed on the park where this game was played and you told them that this was the most popular sport in the world, they would have vaporised you for lying to them.
It took 10 minutes for the first goal to come, and once they did, it was like opening a can of Pringles. Once they popped, they just couldn’t stop.
Having been 0-0 in the 9th minute, it was 3-0 by the 12th.
Goals were scored in the 22nd, 22nd (again), 25th, 29th, 31st, 41st, and 43rd minutes, and could have been scored in pretty much every other minute as well, had Llanishen been any good themselves. They pretty much constantly had the ball in Ely’s penalty area, and managed a comical set of misses to keep the score fairly respectable at half time, if 10-0 can be considered respectable (and in these circumstances, it could).
The highlight of the whole occasion came at half time, when the dejected Ely Athletic players went across to the sideline for a drink and to try and regroup, only for their manager to pull out BOTH a clipboard and an iPad, trying to pass on tactical advice to a group of players I’m not even convinced knew what a football was, never mind an inverted 4-2-3-1 with wingbacks or whatever it was that he was trying to get them to play.
Here are just some of the second half highlights:
Llanishen brought on a 44-year-old substitute, and he scored after 10 seconds. It was his only goal of the season.
As the score reached 17-0, the goalkeeper decided he’d had enough, and walked off the pitch. While play was carrying on. Llanishen made it 18-0 in an empty net before he’d even reached the sidelines.
A goal was scored that was so funny neither me or my dad could hold back the laughter anymore, and we received a look from the manager (who had put his iPad away) that suggested we might get battered in the car park later.
I made the realisation that this was probably the first live match I had ever attended where I could be the best player on a team. And I’m really, really bad at football.
In the end, the score was 21-0. It flattered them.
Me and my dad have watched countless football matches together. We’ve seen Wales qualify for a World Cup, our club Llantwit Major AFC win the league, and many many more featuring some of the world’s top players.
And yet, the match we talk about most often is probably this one. It was pure entertainment, and if Ely Athletic sold season tickets, I would have bought one on the spot. The fact that (goalkeeper aside) they never gave up and kept trying their best even as the scoreline began to resemble a rugby score was so admirable, and I was desperate to see them win a game, or even get a draw at some point.
If they had done, all the hardship would have been worth it.
Somewhat predictably, they didn’t.
The 8th tier has a somewhat unusual format, in that you play five games to begin with as a placing system, and then compete in a longer league campaign with teams who finished in a similar position.
Ely Athletic would finish this phase of the league with a record of:
Played 5
Lost 5
Scored 1
Conceded 102
These numbers look even worse when you consider that they forfeited one of these games, which resulted in a 3-0 default loss.
If you only include matches they actually played, they conceded an average of 24.75 goals per game. If you’re not very knowledgable about football, that’s not good.
Their solitary goal came after 50 minutes of the last game of the season, as J Pearce pulled a goal back to make it 8-1.
The comeback was short lived. They lost 22-1, and Pearce was sent off.
Still, perhaps they would do better in the second part of the league phase, playing against teams who had finished in a similar position to them?
And yes, in their first game in the new phase, they scored twice in a game for the very first time!
They lost 22-2.
A week later Pontprennau Pumas beat them 20-0, followed by a 25-0 loss to Glamorgan AFC Reserves.
Then, we arrive at what I believe to be the best scoreline in football history, and refuse to hear otherwise.
Ely Athletic 1 - Cardiff Central FC 53 (FIFTY THREE)
Being bad enough to concede 53 times, while being good enough to score once, has surely got to be unique, and is so much funnier than losing 53-0.
If you were wondering, Ely Athletic’s goal came in the 30th minute, making it 17-1. Devastatingly, I was not there on this occasion, and don’t know if they grabbed the ball out of the net and ran back to hurry up the kick off while waving their arms to the crowd, but I like to pretend that they did.
Cardiff Central player Leighton James finished the match with 18 goals and 8 assists, and 8 different players scored a hat-trick. Luckily at this level players don’t get goal bonuses or allowed to keep the match ball after a hat-trick, or they would have rocked up to their next game bankrupt and without a ball to play with.
After this result, I knew I had to watch them again, and attended their next match vs. Aberystwyth Exiles FC. 90 minutes later, I had seen the best result in their history so far….as they only lost 14-0.
Sadly, due to the majority of their matches clashing with my own team, I never saw them again.
They pulled out of their next match, in the prestigious Sam Cornish Cup, and I feared that they had finally had enough and folded.
However, a week later they were back in action again in the return game with Glamorgan AFC reserves, this time losing 22-0.
There were a string of cup forfeits over the next month, playing just once and losing 15-0 in their only league game.
Shockingly, this meant that they were relegated, finishing the season with a record of:
Played - 10
Lost - 10
Scored - 5
Conceded - 225
When you concede 225 goals, and lose a game 53-1, it is beyond impressive that this actually means your average goals per game conceded went down. From the 24.75 goals a game they conceded in phase one, phase two ended with a mere 22.5 per game. Progress.
Again, I was certain that the team would have finally had enough and call it a day after this season. But that isn’t what makes this story beautiful.
Despite everything, Ely Athletic ran out onto the pitch for one last season.
In the qualifying phase, they lost 26-0, 25-0, 27-0, 43-0, and 33-0.
154 goals in 5 games. 30.8 per game. Not ideal.
Before the second phase of the season began, it was time for a cup game. This time they didn't forfeit, and bravely faced off against a side two divisions higher, Cathays Cons FC.
After this match, if an Ely Athletic player turned to their friend in 10 years’ time and said “Remember that match when we conceded 53?”, their friend would have to ask “Which one?”.
Yep.
Full time, Cathays Cons FC 53 - Ely Athletic 0.
No ‘consolation’ this time, and the brief history of Ely Athletic FC was almost at an end.
A name change to Cardiff Eagles FC had followed the 53-0, perhaps in an attempt to put the past behind them and make a fresh start.
They lost 24-0, and the club folded.
With a final record of:
Played: 22
Lost: 22
Goals Scored: 6
Goals Against: 556
Ely Athletic were no more.
But for anyone who saw them on the pitch, they’ll never be forgotten.
I’ll leave you with this post from their long dormant Facebook account, outlining what new players they needed:
Wow! Thanks for sharing your experience. 22.5 goals conceded is an improvement says everything you need to know!